Monday, September 5, 2011
loneliness
I am alone with 4 kids. This is sort of depressing. I am here though and it must be my fault. I have a few friends, actually quite a few, but outside my circle of very close friends, I am alone. I crave someone to call my own. I crave to have several friends, sort of like family friends, where my children would be included. Right now my friends are my friends and they dont have kiddos that are young anymore. So my kids essentially do not know what it is like to have family get togethers. I know I need to take the time to do this and make friends, but I dont have the time. So for now, I need to go back on my very expensive medication and be content. I was doing so well, i thought I could go off my antidepressant medication. I was never really depressed, I was more overwhelmed,angry....but know i am depressed...i want to sleep all my free time away. My poor 4 children. I feel like I am ruining them.. well this is a depressing entry...yuck... i better just keep my life private. pretend that we are doing great....works for me.....
Saturday, August 20, 2011
journal- schools supplies
kiddos started school this week. We had a great start off. Our schools started thursday, august 18. This was considered early for us because Wadsworth is building new schools and I understand that next year we have a longer summer....YEAH... we will have to get that bucket list going.
We were very organized this year with supplies. With 4 kids needing supplies, and then Jacob got a list from each of his teachers, we needed to have a system. This is what worked for us:
1. We brought out our box from useable supplies from last school year.
2. Then brought the 4 baskets out with their names on it..
3. We created a list in our computer, actually from last year, which listed the
common supplies, such as glue, folders, highlighters, you get the picture.
4. We took each supply list and started tallying up what was needed. So an
example would be: 3 ring binders; 3 blue 2 yellow and ect.
5. Then we took inventory of what we had and then started checking off
what we had.
6. Off to walmart.... 1 hour later and only 70 dollars invested, we had
everyone's supplies
7. Then at home we divided up the supplies into each of our designated
child's basket. Once that was completed we labeled and loaded directly
into book bags.
8. Yeah we were off to a good start.
Thursday morning came, all had their new shoes on with exception of Jacob. In 7th grade it is NOT cool to wear new stuff first day. Gabby on the other hand was carefully planned out. Her outfit had been in the works for a while. The Hair, oh the hair... she wanted it crimped, which would depend on me....didn't happen. I did, however, french braid the bangs. good enough.
They tolerated the traditional pictures and then off they went. Picture will follow. I wish there was an easy way to post pictures. This downloading stuff is time consuming. I should take a course. I'm sure there is a better way that what i know.
Today saturday, was a busy day. UP and moving at 630 am. No sleeping in for me. Jacob was getting picked up for a double header. They did win, which I couldn't make it, but he played all over the field. I, the mom, do not like that. My son is a short stop and a pitcher....end of story. Not really, but Since he doesn't have a present dad, I'm afraid they will have him all over the field... called politics. The coach's son played Jacobs position of short stop today. And I know Jacob is a great shortstop. Oh well. I will make my presence known. I guess.
So then that leaves the other 3. Gabby's first performance was today at the John S Knight Center. They did great. Then off to work we all went for only 2 hours. I did treat them to a new frozen yogart shop called menchies. Many flavors and any topping you could dream of......nummy... the kids were very excited.
Home then for naps, up and off to walmart...needed some extra supplies. But a fun side note....I had time to feed my creative needs. I am almost done with my mantle canvases and soooo cute. Todays craft store's make crafting look professional and good...not homeade and tacky. love it...pictures to follow. Now off to bed, to get up for church in the am....love GOD
We were very organized this year with supplies. With 4 kids needing supplies, and then Jacob got a list from each of his teachers, we needed to have a system. This is what worked for us:
1. We brought out our box from useable supplies from last school year.
2. Then brought the 4 baskets out with their names on it..
3. We created a list in our computer, actually from last year, which listed the
common supplies, such as glue, folders, highlighters, you get the picture.
4. We took each supply list and started tallying up what was needed. So an
example would be: 3 ring binders; 3 blue 2 yellow and ect.
5. Then we took inventory of what we had and then started checking off
what we had.
6. Off to walmart.... 1 hour later and only 70 dollars invested, we had
everyone's supplies
7. Then at home we divided up the supplies into each of our designated
child's basket. Once that was completed we labeled and loaded directly
into book bags.
8. Yeah we were off to a good start.
Thursday morning came, all had their new shoes on with exception of Jacob. In 7th grade it is NOT cool to wear new stuff first day. Gabby on the other hand was carefully planned out. Her outfit had been in the works for a while. The Hair, oh the hair... she wanted it crimped, which would depend on me....didn't happen. I did, however, french braid the bangs. good enough.
They tolerated the traditional pictures and then off they went. Picture will follow. I wish there was an easy way to post pictures. This downloading stuff is time consuming. I should take a course. I'm sure there is a better way that what i know.
Today saturday, was a busy day. UP and moving at 630 am. No sleeping in for me. Jacob was getting picked up for a double header. They did win, which I couldn't make it, but he played all over the field. I, the mom, do not like that. My son is a short stop and a pitcher....end of story. Not really, but Since he doesn't have a present dad, I'm afraid they will have him all over the field... called politics. The coach's son played Jacobs position of short stop today. And I know Jacob is a great shortstop. Oh well. I will make my presence known. I guess.
So then that leaves the other 3. Gabby's first performance was today at the John S Knight Center. They did great. Then off to work we all went for only 2 hours. I did treat them to a new frozen yogart shop called menchies. Many flavors and any topping you could dream of......nummy... the kids were very excited.
Home then for naps, up and off to walmart...needed some extra supplies. But a fun side note....I had time to feed my creative needs. I am almost done with my mantle canvases and soooo cute. Todays craft store's make crafting look professional and good...not homeade and tacky. love it...pictures to follow. Now off to bed, to get up for church in the am....love GOD
Saturday, August 13, 2011
journal
yippee...another huge week... behind me, another one ahead of me. However there is a sense of gratification of working towards a goal... paying my house off. I can't say that I have done this all by myself... I did have parents that invested in us when we were little. We never received any allowances as children...so glad. Instead they set up a money market account for us and applied 20 dollars a month. So now I am cashing that in, 10,000 dollars to pay down my house. But on sad and discouraging note, 35,000 of this mortgage was to pay off someones high interest credit card debt. This is another price I have to swallow for that one decision I made back in 1995. There is always a bright side to every bad decision, I am reminded everyday. My children are not teenagers yet. They better not ruin my bright side. I better remind them of their great responsibility to me... lol.
I worked today, came home and slept...Love LOve to sleep. I just love it. After that I drove over to my others to pick up my boys. My brother is starting to take interest in my boys. Praise God. They so need to get out of this house and find out what men do on saturdays. My lazy daisy wasn't excited, but my skyler did well.
This evening we went to get the kiddos their school shoes. Gabby's 75.oo nike. Skyler got the 50 percent of pair that went with the deal today; 15.00. Jacob and Morgan free. Yeah, I love underarmor and my connections. Each child has a new book bag also. FREE. Thank you Lord. School supplies 75.00, we reuse supplies from last year also. My mom took Gabby because I really do not have time, and I hate to shop, well she said that I was her charity case this year...and paid the whole part. Thank you mama. The dad contributed a whopping 0 amount. I know how to pick them.
So after we purchased our shoes, I talked the kids into going into LOWES. I love that place... almost as much I like Sleeping. I have such a creative mind and I know that I am gonna find the time someday. Maybe I will steal some of the time from my love of sleeping and do crafting instead of sleeping. Amazing, a couple of years ago, actually months ago, I could only sleep 4-5 hour a night. I still stay up until 100 am, and wake up at 600am, but I take an hour nap each day.
Ok it is almost midnight and my kids are still upstairs goofing around. I just yelled up the steps 4 times, at the top of my lungs for Jacob....no response....so I went to steps and began screaming to the point of a headache. He heard me calling his name, but choose to ignore me. Then he says why are you screaming. REALLY....what am I going to do with these kids. I cant continue like this. I guess I should take a belt upstairs and start using it on them. I know that this isnt politically correct, but neither is that behavior. I will not spare the rod because our failure of a government tells me I have to.... You read the tension between these words. These kids need to listen. Doing this without reinforcement is hard. Today Jacob told me he wasnt going with my dad to help my brother. That will never happen again, or he will be finding a new place to hang his hat. Well not really bc I do want him to make something of himself. IN less than 2 weeks I will have a teenager living in this house. MY son JACOB is going to be 13
well church tomoro...PRaising God and hoping that I can get up and make it tomoro...I have a hard time getting out of bed on sunday morning
I worked today, came home and slept...Love LOve to sleep. I just love it. After that I drove over to my others to pick up my boys. My brother is starting to take interest in my boys. Praise God. They so need to get out of this house and find out what men do on saturdays. My lazy daisy wasn't excited, but my skyler did well.
This evening we went to get the kiddos their school shoes. Gabby's 75.oo nike. Skyler got the 50 percent of pair that went with the deal today; 15.00. Jacob and Morgan free. Yeah, I love underarmor and my connections. Each child has a new book bag also. FREE. Thank you Lord. School supplies 75.00, we reuse supplies from last year also. My mom took Gabby because I really do not have time, and I hate to shop, well she said that I was her charity case this year...and paid the whole part. Thank you mama. The dad contributed a whopping 0 amount. I know how to pick them.
So after we purchased our shoes, I talked the kids into going into LOWES. I love that place... almost as much I like Sleeping. I have such a creative mind and I know that I am gonna find the time someday. Maybe I will steal some of the time from my love of sleeping and do crafting instead of sleeping. Amazing, a couple of years ago, actually months ago, I could only sleep 4-5 hour a night. I still stay up until 100 am, and wake up at 600am, but I take an hour nap each day.
Ok it is almost midnight and my kids are still upstairs goofing around. I just yelled up the steps 4 times, at the top of my lungs for Jacob....no response....so I went to steps and began screaming to the point of a headache. He heard me calling his name, but choose to ignore me. Then he says why are you screaming. REALLY....what am I going to do with these kids. I cant continue like this. I guess I should take a belt upstairs and start using it on them. I know that this isnt politically correct, but neither is that behavior. I will not spare the rod because our failure of a government tells me I have to.... You read the tension between these words. These kids need to listen. Doing this without reinforcement is hard. Today Jacob told me he wasnt going with my dad to help my brother. That will never happen again, or he will be finding a new place to hang his hat. Well not really bc I do want him to make something of himself. IN less than 2 weeks I will have a teenager living in this house. MY son JACOB is going to be 13
well church tomoro...PRaising God and hoping that I can get up and make it tomoro...I have a hard time getting out of bed on sunday morning
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I need some time
I am sooooo very tired. This working 40 plus hours is not helping the big picture. I don't want to come home from work, cook dinner, and then do laundry, or anything else that is productive. So tonight I got home at 800 pm after a 10.5 hour day, but wait it wasn't over....I had 2 hours of computer time completing paperwork.
What I did accomplish today was visiting with my friends Lori and Michelle with 2 ice cold beers....then I went back to work.... its called survival. Michelles husband the police officer, who happened to be on duty, said he would provide transport...how funny.... never do I need that...
So needless to say, I accomplished nothing from the last entry....well I guess I didscare the kids off the computers, tv, ect. they were to create something today. Which they did. Plus they did have a scavenger hunt. My sentences do not make sense....but I am sooooo pathetically tired....and in less than 8 hours I get to do this all over again.
Jacob went over to my dads and mowed his grass...I am soooo glad for that. Jacob needs to be around my dad and needs to learn good work ethics...Praising God for that. Very pleased that my dad is persueing jacob.
Well it is after midnight and I need to get some rest...tomorrow I head to a completely new building, which I hate change...but I need to provide.
What I did accomplish today was visiting with my friends Lori and Michelle with 2 ice cold beers....then I went back to work.... its called survival. Michelles husband the police officer, who happened to be on duty, said he would provide transport...how funny.... never do I need that...
So needless to say, I accomplished nothing from the last entry....well I guess I didscare the kids off the computers, tv, ect. they were to create something today. Which they did. Plus they did have a scavenger hunt. My sentences do not make sense....but I am sooooo pathetically tired....and in less than 8 hours I get to do this all over again.
Jacob went over to my dads and mowed his grass...I am soooo glad for that. Jacob needs to be around my dad and needs to learn good work ethics...Praising God for that. Very pleased that my dad is persueing jacob.
Well it is after midnight and I need to get some rest...tomorrow I head to a completely new building, which I hate change...but I need to provide.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
lets get started
lets get started sheila.... HMMMM lets see, where do aI need to start. This could be the first day of the rest of our lives.... Oh how cliche.
1. A little less tv time for the kiddos, a little more creative time
2. Bible time.
3. memorizations
4. brush teeth- kids that is
5. Count my blessings
6. pray more. prayer warrior
7. loose some weight
8. get rid of the clutter
9. organize
10. develop a schedule
11. meal plan
12. live on a budget
Seriously, just how am I gonna do this. God at the head of this household. Give me the strength.
Well today After I dropped gabby off at show choir, I did some retail therapy. I love decorating my house and making it a home. so I headed to home goods store, then to target, then Joann fabrics, then lowes. AND now I have some projects. So I did take pictures of the supplies which I will post, even tho no one reads this. But who knows maybe someday. I know my kids will.
Tonight, gabby and I watched soul surfer....GREAT MOVIE, very inspiring. Jacob and Morgan went to the rodeo with Jim and Pat....super excited about that... and Skyler is with a friend, whom he is getting to go to cedar Point tomorrow with Kellon and his mother.
As for me, ups and down, but remembering to always think on my blessings. I may be lonely at times, I may be the sole provider.... but I have way more than enough and God and Jesus are more than willing to fulfill my loniness.
So here goes it, get off the computer in the evening and get some changes done so that I can feel accomplished. Actually eternity is the only thing that really has merit. I dont focus on that as much as should. All this other stuff is so very temporal. Time flies and does it matter what we accomplish. It does feel good to feel accomplished. And we do have to be accomplished. So I will strive here on earth, keeping the focus on God present in our home...
Good night
1. A little less tv time for the kiddos, a little more creative time
2. Bible time.
3. memorizations
4. brush teeth- kids that is
5. Count my blessings
6. pray more. prayer warrior
7. loose some weight
8. get rid of the clutter
9. organize
10. develop a schedule
11. meal plan
12. live on a budget
Seriously, just how am I gonna do this. God at the head of this household. Give me the strength.
Well today After I dropped gabby off at show choir, I did some retail therapy. I love decorating my house and making it a home. so I headed to home goods store, then to target, then Joann fabrics, then lowes. AND now I have some projects. So I did take pictures of the supplies which I will post, even tho no one reads this. But who knows maybe someday. I know my kids will.
Tonight, gabby and I watched soul surfer....GREAT MOVIE, very inspiring. Jacob and Morgan went to the rodeo with Jim and Pat....super excited about that... and Skyler is with a friend, whom he is getting to go to cedar Point tomorrow with Kellon and his mother.
As for me, ups and down, but remembering to always think on my blessings. I may be lonely at times, I may be the sole provider.... but I have way more than enough and God and Jesus are more than willing to fulfill my loniness.
So here goes it, get off the computer in the evening and get some changes done so that I can feel accomplished. Actually eternity is the only thing that really has merit. I dont focus on that as much as should. All this other stuff is so very temporal. Time flies and does it matter what we accomplish. It does feel good to feel accomplished. And we do have to be accomplished. So I will strive here on earth, keeping the focus on God present in our home...
Good night
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Journal
Ok, so I skipped a couple of weeks. Busy Busy Busy....I didnt get skyler signed up for fall baseball. Some may think that is a blessing in disguise, however I feel like it was my procrastination winning out again. I did just get off the phone with the coach and he said they did not have enough interest for skylers 8 year old age...so hence no team.. Very disappointed. Baseball in this area isn't very popular. Soccer has gained popularity along with lacrosse.
I have been working a lot of hours. My goal is to pay my house off. Not sure if I have the will power. So many things here at home get left undone. The kids are not brushing their teeth, not practicing their piano, or any other skills for that matter. They need direction.
However on a different note, the children have talked me into entertaining, which I love. It gives me the opportunity to invite different people into my home. And the children LOVE it. They are so helpful....
I have spending a lot of time on Pinterest. Actually sort of addicted. Lots of great ideas, but not the time to put them into practice.
Thinking back to the habit list.... all the bad habits I want to work on .....one at a time.... Praying to God for the strength and overcoming desire that I have to procrastinate. NO EXcuses....Yeah right.
Well I am going to try and get some sleep..... good night my little family...love you so much...
one last thought, Morgan received a phone call from daddy....He didnt really want to take the time to talk...morgan ask..who is this? then responded: oh hi, john must have then hung up. Morgan gets off phone and innocently said...he hung up on me....then Morgan went back to the i pad.... oh well...
I have been working a lot of hours. My goal is to pay my house off. Not sure if I have the will power. So many things here at home get left undone. The kids are not brushing their teeth, not practicing their piano, or any other skills for that matter. They need direction.
However on a different note, the children have talked me into entertaining, which I love. It gives me the opportunity to invite different people into my home. And the children LOVE it. They are so helpful....
I have spending a lot of time on Pinterest. Actually sort of addicted. Lots of great ideas, but not the time to put them into practice.
Thinking back to the habit list.... all the bad habits I want to work on .....one at a time.... Praying to God for the strength and overcoming desire that I have to procrastinate. NO EXcuses....Yeah right.
Well I am going to try and get some sleep..... good night my little family...love you so much...
one last thought, Morgan received a phone call from daddy....He didnt really want to take the time to talk...morgan ask..who is this? then responded: oh hi, john must have then hung up. Morgan gets off phone and innocently said...he hung up on me....then Morgan went back to the i pad.... oh well...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
MY nerves
Yes, my nerves are shot. Skyler had a darling friend over for the night and my kids were out of control. They were fighting, screaming, obnoxious and the list goes on. I couldnt very well add to the chaos, so I remained controlled. I wanted to yank each and every one of them. It will take me a very long time to allow them to have a friend overnight again. They just do not know how to act. AND I may add that I am not exagerating because the little boy wanted to go home....and he did. However I am angry with them. They acted like brats. Each one lost his mind and manners. They never sit still for a moment. Hence, chaos.
In addition to the new friend, we had neighbors here. I love my neighbors, but I am tired of entertaining them constantly. I am tired of all the technology and how that is the only way they know how to interact. Kellen the cute little boy, wanted to play outside.... go figure my kiddos only wanted to play with technology. So now the summer is over and we have wasted it. This is partly my fault because I have been so busy that it is easier for me to allow them to quietly sit in front of this annoying technology.
Dear Lord,
Help me in all this... I will try to do my part,,,, but lord, this part of the fruit of the spirit,,,, self control is very tough on my right now. I have so many blessings.... sooooo many. thank you for reminding me. I also confess that i had an episode of jealousy today, which is something I would rather not experience. Lord help me to be an overcomer in that area also. You know that it wasnt exactly that I was coveting, mine problem is that I am lonely and i crave relationships more than anything. especially ones that are centered around YOU. I do not have many of those relationships. I always excuse it as people are judging me and what Christian wants to hang out with a dysfunctional Christian woman who has very little to offer. I am viewed as exhausting.
A friend shared with to me today that she was having lunch with someone from my church and when she mentioned me, this sister in Faith, had a less than desireable look. My friend, I guess stuck up for me, telling her that i have the kindest heart she knows. Lord did she really. Do I have a kind heart. Jesus are you listening to me now? I know I should open your word and see what you want me to know. I am exhausted.... but I will and Hopefully I will talk to you tomorrow. I better go because this technology isnt doing very well for me tonight. I love you and am so thankful that you are listing to me. I will check your word before I go to bed. Good night, give me sweet thougths and a forgiving nature. So many I should add to this prayer.... i will... friend with schizophrenia, mother who is hospital, friend who left her husband, my kids, my ex, my parents... oh the lady that ask me to pray for her dad and that he would come to you before he dies....especially him. I know there are more, i just cant think right now. hugs... please say hi to crystal...go up and hug her and tell her that I am thinking of her... and the other little children.... oh i wish i could feel that....
amen
In addition to the new friend, we had neighbors here. I love my neighbors, but I am tired of entertaining them constantly. I am tired of all the technology and how that is the only way they know how to interact. Kellen the cute little boy, wanted to play outside.... go figure my kiddos only wanted to play with technology. So now the summer is over and we have wasted it. This is partly my fault because I have been so busy that it is easier for me to allow them to quietly sit in front of this annoying technology.
Dear Lord,
Help me in all this... I will try to do my part,,,, but lord, this part of the fruit of the spirit,,,, self control is very tough on my right now. I have so many blessings.... sooooo many. thank you for reminding me. I also confess that i had an episode of jealousy today, which is something I would rather not experience. Lord help me to be an overcomer in that area also. You know that it wasnt exactly that I was coveting, mine problem is that I am lonely and i crave relationships more than anything. especially ones that are centered around YOU. I do not have many of those relationships. I always excuse it as people are judging me and what Christian wants to hang out with a dysfunctional Christian woman who has very little to offer. I am viewed as exhausting.
A friend shared with to me today that she was having lunch with someone from my church and when she mentioned me, this sister in Faith, had a less than desireable look. My friend, I guess stuck up for me, telling her that i have the kindest heart she knows. Lord did she really. Do I have a kind heart. Jesus are you listening to me now? I know I should open your word and see what you want me to know. I am exhausted.... but I will and Hopefully I will talk to you tomorrow. I better go because this technology isnt doing very well for me tonight. I love you and am so thankful that you are listing to me. I will check your word before I go to bed. Good night, give me sweet thougths and a forgiving nature. So many I should add to this prayer.... i will... friend with schizophrenia, mother who is hospital, friend who left her husband, my kids, my ex, my parents... oh the lady that ask me to pray for her dad and that he would come to you before he dies....especially him. I know there are more, i just cant think right now. hugs... please say hi to crystal...go up and hug her and tell her that I am thinking of her... and the other little children.... oh i wish i could feel that....
amen
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